If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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