I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
