Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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