Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
