I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
