do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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