Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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