3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
