i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
