He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
