Don't make out with my wife yet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
