my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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