I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
