Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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