I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
