what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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