I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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