sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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