I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
