Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
