totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
