I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
