I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
