this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
