yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
