If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
