9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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