Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
