i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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