He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
