Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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