I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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