i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
