My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
