this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
