I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
