final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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