Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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