just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
