I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She announced her abortion via fbk
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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