You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
