so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We had to coat check the pizza.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize