Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
