wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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