yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
