So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
