I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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