Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How external is "for external use only"?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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