My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im six kinds of drunk right now
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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