I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
