If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize