You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I pour the whiskey from now on
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
