Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
