The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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