When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
