The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
