Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
