Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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