His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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