Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize