I murdered the dance floor call the cops
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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