You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she peed on how many people?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
