I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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