I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize